I am also infertile.
And the combination of being an infertile Mormon has made me an outlier in the Mormon culture.
I am different than the other twenty-something-year-old women in my very young family ward.
I do not fit-in to the ideals for the life of a female mormon.
And because of this, I have no place in my own church. I am on the outskirts of my ward and my religion because people do not understand how to interact with me, and I don't understand how to interact with them. They do not understand what NOT to say, and what to do. They do not know how to befriend me, or how to comfort me, or how to act around me in general. And neither do I. I don't know what conversations to have with my stay-at-home-mom-of-two-and-one-on-the-way friend. Her life is so much different than my own, we don't know how to connect.
It's not our fault, we've never been taught how. All my life I have been taught by my parents, teachers, and family that my divine role in life is first to be a mother. As a young girl, that's all I was raised to be--a wife and mother. I don't mean this in a bad way really. I was raised to nurture, and love and heal (that's what mother's do, right?) and that's a good thing. I LOVE children (babies especially). But when my life doesn't work the way I always planned (and was raised), I was able to see things from a different perspective. Unfortunately, I am unique in my perspective, and my ward does not always see the way I do.
But I am also HAPPY!
Outside of my ward, I am a strong, independent woman, married to a handsome medical student who loves me, and listens to me, and serves me with every fiber of his being. I have a near-perfect marriage (which I know is rare). I have the most wonderful in-laws a girl could ask for. I am in good health (besides my infertility). I am working to become a physician assistant, which is my DREAM job. I have every reason to find joy in where I am and where I am going.
But in my ward I am broken, flawed, pitied. I am unrelatable, enigmatic, and incomplete. I am constantly aware of the emptiness of my arms when I go to church.
These issues partially arise from the emphasis and lack of flexibility on the subject of the "ideal" family in the Mormon culture. You know what I'm talking about....the family with 5+ children, where the mother stays home and the father has a job that is good enough to live solely on his income, with the happy marriage and FHE every Monday.
But the reality is that no one really has an ideal family. There are individuals who are single when they don't want to be, there are those who have been affected by divorce, death of children, abusive spouses, financial problems, mental health complications, I mean the list goes on and on. Why? BECAUSE WE'RE HUMAN! There IS no ideal, because we are all different. What is "ideal" for one sister, is not necessarily the same for her neighbor. So why do we put so much emphasis on something that is not attainable to so many hurting members?
The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of joy, forgiveness, repentance, love. Church should be a place of healing and worship and empowerment. A safe haven from the world, and a respite from our worries and trials. How did it turn from something so beautiful to something so painful? This is THE question. And I definitely don't know the answer. I assume it's complicated like most things are, but I believe that information is key. The more information out there, the better. Now this little blog of mine is probably nothing special, but it might give some needed information to those looking for it. And for now, that'll have to do.
***I am not a great writer, and with that comes the inevitability that something I say will be misinterpreted or may cause some degree of offense. Please forgive me my shortcomings and my limited knowledge and opinions that are continually growing and changing. Please give me the benefit of the doubt.***
